My Leg’s Dropped Off!!!
There are many reasons why you can’t and shouldn’t do the Badass………………………….
But equally there are 10 extremely important reasons why you should. £10!!! You’ve sent us the money and now you propose to waste it? We’ve heard everything hear at Badass Headquarters. Excuses, excuses, excuses!!!! Here are a few:
1. I’ve had a colo-rectal prolapse and I’m currently using my lower bowel as an impromptu saddlebag.
2. I’m 8-months pregnant (pish!).
3. I ordered a new bike in January, but it’s not come yet and I appear to still be getting around using my car.
4. I’ve been unlucky enough to encounter many pies and pieces of cake on my travels in the last few months.
5. I fell off descending the Trough of Bowland and mangled my widgets on the crossbar.
6. My itsy bitsy teeny weeny Siberian hamster has been wheely poorly lately.
7. I was in the neighbour’s chicken coop last night and was sorely importuned by a local fox.
8. My wife/husband forbids me (get a new one!).
9. I have a nasty rash which flares up when moist, and boy has it been rainin’ lately!
10. I entered in a flush of Wiggocity and then realized I’ve never pedalled my rusty Raleigh Grifter farther than the local fish n chip shop.
11. I heard it might rain and it’s well-known I’m made of sugar lumps and duckling pubes.
Ok you chicken, let’s talk turkey. Get a map. Check the route. There are various cut-outs on the way (Tosside, Slaidburn, Waddington) from where you can cruise back to Garstang and go short (95, 105, 120 miles respectively). You’ll get listed as a DNF and we’ll scorn you fully and completely upon your tail between the legs return, but hey you’ll be able to scoff a few sarnies at the first feed stop (mile 62 or so) and shiver palely in the shadows of true Badasses. Reflected glory was never such good value for money you pale and puny-legged pipsqueak.
What was that? You’ve entered and you’ve every intention of finishing? You’ve trained like hell for it, put in the miles? In fact you’re a legend under your own torch-lit duvet when it comes to turning the wheels? Now we’ve planted a seed of doubt in your mind. What’s that….the beginnings of deep and savage spiritual torment brewing in your soul? Good. Suffer baby suffer!!